IC Inbox | Ryslig

[summonthesuit]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, HASNOFEAR. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 13.15.15.14 *** HASNOFEAR has joined 13.15.15.14 <HASNOFEAR> Hello! This is Steven Grant! If you need something, just leave me a message and I'll get back to you asap!

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oops old tag

[softspokenlandlord]

Yes. It is. Some have said it's happened to Javert.

Sometimes I wonder if that's a mercy or not.

[Ryou takes another sip, letting that hang for a moment.]

Here, we make connections to try and get through the agony of our existence here, and then our connections are the very thing that's ripped from our grip. It's all transient--it can all go to hell, no matter how you feel about it.

[He's trying to sound flat, but his voice still has pain in it, pain he can't push down and away to sound objective. Ryou cannot be objective right now. Not only is he miserable, he's still tipsy and the alcohol hasn't had a chance to properly run its course.]

Even if it doesn't, the bonds we make can be used against us. Or used against those important to us.

In the end...looking after others just means you'll disappoint them.

[He almost feels bad that he's being this way. But it's hard not to focus on the bad when he'd basically been told, to his face, that he'll never be better. He'll always suffer, because he always draws the worst to himself.]

[summonthesuit]

[Steven gets what Ryou's trying to say, but it just feels so cynical. So wrong. Like it's not worth it to even try, but there is worth there. There has to be. Otherwise, what's the point in doing anything at all?]

I think... it's the same back home. There's always the chance of losing someone you care about. 'Cause a life can end just like that. [He snaps his fingers, but the sound is soft and muffled.] And there'll always be arseholes who try to use your bonds against you. Sure, it's worse here, but... If it was worth it to put in the effort back home, it's worth it now. What you get out of it- and what everyone else gets out of it is something vital, I think. It's not about the destination, but about the journey, and all that.

[softspokenlandlord]

[That's the question isn't it? What is the point? Ryou is struggling with that question, ever so much. He's been knocked down more than a few pegs, over something he can't control, so it's hard to breach the surface of the cloying, suffocating negativity.]

The journey hurts. No matter where I go, that journey isn't easy. I know it probably sounds overdramatic. I'm just a child to people here, even though I'm...I'm not.

[He started 19 here, and now he's 21. He's not a child. But it's a childish mentality, thinking in absolutes and feeling as if you'll always be disadvantaged, right?]

I've had things happen that I wish wouldn't. I've had evil in my heart, driving me to hurt others, using this body as a vehicle for evil means. I get on better with that spirit now, but...it was awful then.

And...here, I just want things to be easier. To not hurt me, or try to take things away from me.

[Oh. Oh, he's trying not to sound overemotional, but the last sentence, it sticks in his throat and threatens to overcome him.]