summonthesuit | IC Inbox

[Oh. That's about the worst case scenario reply Steven could've gotten, really. And while he knows it's far more ambiguous than just implying Ryou's cold, in Steven's experience, a warm blanket helps in most scenarios where someone's not okay.]

Ah- Right. Ooone second...

[Never before has he gone to the bedroom and back with such incredible speed. The blanket's going to be draped over Ryou's shoulders within seconds. It's fleece, meaning it's comfortable and soft, and a little heavy. It's also several bright colors smushed together in a plaid pattern.]

You can just sit here and take it easy, and if you want to talk about it, we can talk. If not... That's fine too.

[Ryou's head could spin from how fast the blanket's around his shoulders following Steven's words. It comes with the territory of his monster type, that much Ryou's certain of. He'd temporarily been a nephilim, after all.

He reaches a hand up lazily, tugging the blanket more tightly around himself. It...actually is nice. This is all nice. Steven is nice.

So why does he feel so close to crying?]

You're always so kind to me. Even on the network, when I say things out of anger. Why is that? Isn't it easier to be outraged...?

[Isn't it easier to excise the problem rather than feed into it?]

[To Steven, that's a weird question. But then, maybe that's exactly the problem; it's Steven. He's the way he is for a very specific reason, and maybe that's an unhealthy way of looking it at, but he wouldn't change himself for anything. His identity's one of the most important things in the world to him.

He sits himself down on the table across from Ryou, his shoulders slumping.]

It wouldn't be easier on me. I'd just feel bad about it afterwards, I expect. I'd keep... thinking that I shouldn't give up on someone, that I could've done more to help. [His hands end up folding together in his lap.] Isn't that what everyone needs when they're upset? Some kindness from someone else?

H-haha...

That's...how I would feel about it too, if I'm honest. I don't like giving up on people I care about.

[Ryou draws his knees up closer to his face, his pointed ears angling downward.]

I always want to help my friends, but...it seems I'm the one that always needs help. I get hurt a lot, and then they have to take care of me. Until...they don't want to anymore.

[After a moment's pause, Ryou reaches out, takes the tea and holds it in too-big hands with too-long fingers that curl around the cup awkwardly. He blows at the steam, then takes a sip.

It's nice. Warming. He can taste milk in there.]

I suppose it's a destiny kind of thing. [Like Atem had said.] As long as we're here, we're destined to hurt, but some of us will hurt more than others.

Like a curse.

[He stares into the tea cup, but doesn't really pay attention to what he's looking at. His thoughts are elsewhere, lost in an argument on what's his fault, what isn't his fault, and the inevitability of his pain.]

[Miserable as it is, Steven understands the sentiment very well. He's already died once over something he considers his own fault, almost died a second time because he ventured somewhere he shouldn't have and just generally had to accept help from others a lot. He keeps falling down and needing other people to pick him back up, often in a very literal sense.

Will he reach a point where others won't want to help him up anymore?

He stares down at the floor, hands wringing together just to get rid of some of the anxious energy that's building.]

Maybe... I hope that's not a real thing, but I can't know for sure, can I? I don't think I'd ever stop wanting to help people either, but I suppose... If enough time passes, and I'll have died enough times, I'll forget who I was or why it's important to look after others. That's a thing that can happen, innit?

Yes. It is. Some have said it's happened to Javert.

Sometimes I wonder if that's a mercy or not.

[Ryou takes another sip, letting that hang for a moment.]

Here, we make connections to try and get through the agony of our existence here, and then our connections are the very thing that's ripped from our grip. It's all transient--it can all go to hell, no matter how you feel about it.

[He's trying to sound flat, but his voice still has pain in it, pain he can't push down and away to sound objective. Ryou cannot be objective right now. Not only is he miserable, he's still tipsy and the alcohol hasn't had a chance to properly run its course.]

Even if it doesn't, the bonds we make can be used against us. Or used against those important to us.

In the end...looking after others just means you'll disappoint them.

[He almost feels bad that he's being this way. But it's hard not to focus on the bad when he'd basically been told, to his face, that he'll never be better. He'll always suffer, because he always draws the worst to himself.]

[Steven gets what Ryou's trying to say, but it just feels so cynical. So wrong. Like it's not worth it to even try, but there is worth there. There has to be. Otherwise, what's the point in doing anything at all?]

I think... it's the same back home. There's always the chance of losing someone you care about. 'Cause a life can end just like that. [He snaps his fingers, but the sound is soft and muffled.] And there'll always be arseholes who try to use your bonds against you. Sure, it's worse here, but... If it was worth it to put in the effort back home, it's worth it now. What you get out of it- and what everyone else gets out of it is something vital, I think. It's not about the destination, but about the journey, and all that.

[That's the question isn't it? What is the point? Ryou is struggling with that question, ever so much. He's been knocked down more than a few pegs, over something he can't control, so it's hard to breach the surface of the cloying, suffocating negativity.]

The journey hurts. No matter where I go, that journey isn't easy. I know it probably sounds overdramatic. I'm just a child to people here, even though I'm...I'm not.

[He started 19 here, and now he's 21. He's not a child. But it's a childish mentality, thinking in absolutes and feeling as if you'll always be disadvantaged, right?]

I've had things happen that I wish wouldn't. I've had evil in my heart, driving me to hurt others, using this body as a vehicle for evil means. I get on better with that spirit now, but...it was awful then.

And...here, I just want things to be easier. To not hurt me, or try to take things away from me.

[Oh. Oh, he's trying not to sound overemotional, but the last sentence, it sticks in his throat and threatens to overcome him.]

IC Inbox | Ryslig

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cw self-deprecation in the metatext

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oops old tag

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, HASNOFEAR. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 13.15.15.14 * HASNOFEAR has joined 13.15.15.14 <HASNOFEAR>** Hello! This is Steven Grant! If you need something, just leave me a message and I'll get back to you asap!